Ranking the Bond Films

Over the last few months, I've watched all 22 of the James Bond films in order, usually one a week. Bond is one of my favorite film franchises, and I figured since I had now seen them all pretty recently, I would go through and rank them. I'll also provide a few of my thoughts for each movie, along with who played Bond and what year that film came out. So, here is my list, in order from worst (#22) to best (#1):




22. Die Another Day - Pierce Brosnan, 2002

Nothing they did to Bond while he was a prisoner in North Korea for 14 months is worse than watching this movie.




21. The Man With the Golden Gun - Roger Moore, 1974

This movie has a cool premise, and the way Bond defeats the villain at the end is great. Unfortunately the rest of the movie is not so great and all the acting besides Moore is pretty awful. I would love to see a remake of this one with Daniel Craig and another great actor as Scaramanga (the villain).




20. A View to a Kill - Roger Moore, 1985

Roger Moore was 57 when he filmed this (his last Bond movie). He actually aged pretty well, but still... come on. The plot is pretty lame and the main Bond girl is annoying. This is the 80's at its worst. The only redeeming thing about this movie is Christopher Walken as the villain. Everything he says cracks me up, even when he's a bad guy. It's just the way he talks. He could be saying he's about to burn down an orphanage with everyone inside and I wouldn't be able to help myself. Hilarious.




19. Live and Let Die - Roger Moore, 1973

Roger Moore's first Bond film, while having some good parts, falls short overall. The movie drags out way too long with a 30 minute boat chase through Louisiana that is more reminiscent of something you'd see in "The Dukes of Hazard" (and I mean that in the worst way possible), and the American redneck sheriff (who returns in The Man With the Golden Gun) is the worst character to appear in all 22 Bond films. And that includes Halle Berry. On the plus side, Jane Seymour is pretty fine as Solitaire, and this film has my favorite Bond theme-song of all, "Live and Let Die" by Wings.




18. Octopussy - Roger Moore, 1983

This film, while not awful, is also not especially memorable. And I say that because I really can't remember that much about it now. Although I liked the female lead (Octopussy), the whole "hot girl cult" thing was pretty lame and far-fetched (yes, even for a Bond movie), and Roger Moore "saves the day" while in full clown makeup. Yes, you read that right. Dressed as a clown. So let's move on.




17. Tomorrow Never Dies - Pierce Brosnan, 1997

Bond takes on an evil media tyrant that wants to start World War III between the US and China so that his company can have exclusive media coverage of the war. AKA Fox News. This movie is alright, but once again not especially memorable or cool. Although it's not a great movie, it does hold a special place in my heart as the first Bond movie I ever saw on the big screen.




16. License to Kill - Timothy Dalton, 1989

Without giving away too much, what makes this movie ultimately fail is that it strays too far from the usual Bond formula, as Bond breaks with MI6 to go on a revenge mission to kill the man that hurt one of his closest friends. That sounds like it might not necessarily be a bad thing, but throw in some poor acting and the 1980's and you've got a movie that just doesn't make the cut. It's not all bad though, as there are some cool moments.




15. Moonraker - Roger Moore, 1979

Bond in space. If those three words don't set off alarms in your head, then consider yourself lucky you've obviously never seen the end of this film. After the huge success of the first Star Wars film, the makers of Bond decided they would try to piggyback off of that to make some extra money. I actually like the first 2/3 of this movie, but the end gets awfully ridiculous. Poor Roger Moore: he was a good Bond, but most of his scripts put him in plots that were just unsalvageable (and you can say the same thing about Pierce Brosnan).




14. Diamonds Are Forever - Sean Connery, 1971

Sean Connery returns after a one-movie break for his last (official) Bond movie, and manages to keep most of his style although noticeably older. A decent Bond movie - not bad, but not great.




13. The World is Not Enough - Pierce Brosnan, 1999

Brosnan does a good job, I absolutely love the girl villain in this film (played by Sophie Marceau), and we get to see more of Judi Dench as M (which is a good thing).The male villain is ok, but what really kills this film is Denise Richards as nuclear physicist "Christmas Jones". She was awful and completely unbelievable in the role: no one smart enough to be a physicist would marry Charlie Sheen.




12. On Her Majesty's Secret Service - George Lazenby, 1969

George Lazenby's only Bond film; many people aren't even aware this movie exists. Connery "retired" after You Only Live Twice, and Lazenby was chosen to be the next Bond. He does an okay job and the movie is actually pretty solid, if not spectacular. As soon as the movie was finished however, Lazenby announced he also was retiring from being Bond, because of the hard filming schedule and because he was sure that now he had made it and could get other big roles. How'd that work out for you, George?




11. You Only Live Twice - Sean Connery, 1967

James Bond goes to Japan and other parts of eastern Asia to hunt down and try to infiltrate Spectre. This movie has some good and some bad. We first meet Blofeld in this movie, and there are a lot of cool gadgets. The movie drags on though, and while they made a noble effort to make Sean Connery look Japanese, I didn't really think it worked that well.




10. The Spy Who Loved Me - Roger Moore, 1977

One of Moore's better movies, this one has a great opening and a good female lead (who happens to be Ringo Starr's wife). We also first meet Jaws, and the locations they used were all cool. The middle-ish of this movie drags on for too long though (the long, drawn out battle on the ship).




9. The Living Daylights - Timothy Dalton, 1987

A solid action movie with some good plot twists. The acting is all pretty good too. As Dalton's first Bond film (out of only two), he plays a more introspective and quiet Bond, while still maintaining Bond's suave and lethality. This is Bond film that tends to get somewhat forgotten, but I would definitely recommend it if you haven't seen it.




8. Quantum of Solace - Daniel Craig, 2008

The most recent Bond film and a direct sequel to Casino Royale (Craig's first film). As far as action and cinematography go, this is the best Bond of the whole series. It lacks a great plot like Casino Royale had, but the story is still good enough to hold its own and not get in the way of a great action movie. Craig also gives another very good performance.




7. Thunderball - Sean Connery, 1965

A little too much of this film takes place underwater for my taste (especially at the end), but overall it's a very good Bond film. The female villain is great, and this movie has some classic moments in it. And the main Bond girl, Domino, is one of the best looking in the whole series.




6. For Your Eyes Only - Roger Moore, 1981

In my opinion Moore's best film, it has a good story, good characters, a great plot twist, and I love the ending. Sure, the American ice skater girl is annoying as hell, but no movie is perfect.




5. Goldfinger - Sean Connery, 1964

Many people rank this as the best Bond, and while I don't fully agree with that I will say that it's up there. Connery is probably at his prime as Bond in this one, and you have a great villain with genius plan and an awesome henchman (Oddjob). My two gripes with this movie are: 1) Bond spends most of the movie as Goldfinger's prisoner who oddly continues to keep him around despite all his mischief, and 2) I'm not a big fan of "Pussy Galore" as a Bond girl, or a name for that matter (I just think it's stupid). Overall Goldfinger is definitely one of the finest Bond films though.




4. GoldenEye - Pierce Brosnan, 1995

My favorite Brosnan film, and one of my favorites overall. GoldenEye had a large task: it had to show the world that Bond could still be relevant and entertaining in a post-Soviet-Russia world, and it did the job wonderfully. Sean Bean plays a great and complex character, Brosnan does a great job as Bond, and it has a great script and supporting cast.




3. Dr. No - Sean Connery, 1962

The first "official" Bond film, Sean Connery took the role and never looked back. He managed to be suave and cool while still being a beast, and set the precedent by which all future Bonds would be judged (whether fairly or not). This movie also features Honey Rider, who is my personal favorite Bond girl, and the movie has one of my favorite quotes in all the Bonds: "That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six." The banter between Dr. No and Bond is some of the best in any Bond movie as well.




2. Casino Royale - Daniel Craig, 2006

Daniel Craig's first Bond film is a beyond-triumphant return for the British spy after some pretty bad Brosnan movies. The movie is dark and gritty and doesn't try to hide it, while still keeping a great sense of humor and wit. As a reboot of the franchise, we see Bond as a newly appointed "double-0" agent on his first assignment which turns out to be a very important one. Throw in some great villains, lots of intrigue and poker, and one of the best Bond girls in Vesper Lynd (who is not only gorgeous, but also smart and complex), and an outstanding performance by Craig, and you've got the second best Bond movie ever. The opening of this movie is also my favorite of any Bond film, and they all usually have pretty good openings.




1. From Russia With Love - Sean Connery, 1963

My personal favorite Bond. The plot is great with plenty of intrigue and suspense without going overboard. Just the right amount of comic relief and dialog, and one of the best fight scenes in all of Bond (the one in the train car). Along with Goldfinger, Connery (also my personal favorite Bond) was at his peak as Bond in this film. The Bond girl, while not a particularly strong personality, is one of the best looking, and Connery has more than enough personality for both of them anyway. The "briefcase" gadget Bond gets from Q, while not highly futuristic or anything, is also one of the best overall gadgets in the series. This is the closest Bond gets to being perfect, and it also has a great opening theme song.



There are my rankings for all the official Bond movies. And since I'm on the subject I'll also quickly list how I rank the actors who have played Bond:

1. Sean Connery
2. Daniel Craig
3. Pierce Brosnan
4. Timothy Dalton
5. Roger Moore
6. George Lazenby



I think all the Bonds had their strong points and were good in their own way. George Lazenby gets the short end of the stick just because it's so difficult to judge based on only one movie. For the same reason it's hard to place Timothy Dalton (2 movies) and Daniel Craig (2 movies so far, with a 3rd in the works).


I hope you found this enlightening and/or fairly amusing. I'd love to hear from any Bond fans out there and get your thoughts. Let me know what you think, even if you've only seen a few of the movies.

Kids

I dont understand why people have kids. Seriously. Think about it: the best part of being an adult is the freedom to do what you want and make your own choices (most of the time). The worst part of being an adult is the responsibilities that come with it (having to work, supporting yourself/your family, pay bills, etc.). When you have kids, you lose pretty much all of that freedom, while exponentially gaining more responsibility. By the time you get your freedom back, you're ready to retire and have lost the best years of your life. All for kids that, while you're raising them, will resent you and constantly argue with you and make you miserable and have no concept of what you gave up to bring their ungrateful souls into the world until they're much older (yes Mom, I know I did this too, and I'm sorry). Why do people do this to themselves? All so that this cycle can repeat over and over again?

My Top 15 Episodes of South Park

After going through every episode of South Park (through season 13) in order for the last year and a half, I decided that it would be a fun idea to pick out my favorite episodes. Below is a list of my 15 favorite episodes (in order), followed by some honorable mentions. It was really hard to pick favorites: I originally was only going to do a top 10, but I had to go with 15 because I didn't feel right weeding anymore out. Also, I did rank them 1-15 (from most favorite to least favorite), but many of these episodes could easily be changed in the order either way. Also, I have not seen any episodes from season 14 (the current season) yet, so none of these could be included in the list. And so, with all that in mind, here are my favorite 15 episodes of South Park:


1. Chinpokomon (Season 3)

As someone who admittedly was totally obsessed with Pokemon as a kid, this episode automatically got a special place in my heart just because of its subject matter. But it's the two Japanese men in the episode that really make this the funniest episode of South Park to me.

2. Make Love, Not Warcraft (Season 10)

Perhaps the most well known episode, this one is a brilliant parody of World of Warcraft, and Blizzard (the company who created WoW) contributed to help make the episode. A truly hilarious episode from start to finish.

3. Trapped in the Closet (Season 9)

This episode exposes and mocks Scientology for what it really is (a scam), and features Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Nicole Kidman, and funniest of all, R. Kelly (none of which are actually voiced by the real person, obviously).

4. Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (Season 10)

Ike (a kindergartner) gets involved romantically with his teacher (who happens to be a young, attractive woman), but no one in society seems to mind because it's a female teacher. The police, on being informed of this, joke that they should award him the "luckiest little boy in the world award." This episode also rips Dog the bounty hunter, and features the catchphrase "Nice."

5. Go God Go (parts I and XII) (Season 10)

While many South Park episodes rip various religions, the South Park creators once again show a sense of equality (of making fun of everything) by poking fun at atheism. The episode centers around Cartman and the lengths he goes to to try to acquire a Nintendo Wii without having to wait for it to come out. Also parodies the old TV sci-fi show "Buck Rodgers in the 25th Century."

6. Canada on Strike (Season 12)

The country of Canada decides to go on strike to teach the world a lesson about respecting them. I personally love any time Canadians are portrayed on South Park, and this one also has the famous YouTube battle scene.

7. Christian Rock Hard (Season 7)

Realizing that it's easier to make it in the Christian music industry than in the Mainstream, Cartman decides to start a Christian worship band to win a bet with Kyle that he can get a platinum album first. Also makes fun of celebrity musicians complaining that downloading music illegally is greatly hurting them financially.

8. Scott Tenorman Must Die (Season 5)

Cartman will go to any lengths to get a back at an older boy who has been constantly tricking him. Also features an appearance by Radiohead (actually voiced by themselves).

9. Simpsons Already Did It (Season 6)

Butters, aka Professor Chaos, tries to devise evil schemes to spread chaos throughout South Park, but every time he thinks of something, he realizes it's already been done on an episode of the Simpsons. The boys are also afraid they may have accidentally killed one of their teachers. Features the short but funny "Sea People" song.

10. Night of the Living Homeless (Season 11)

More and more homeless people start showing up in South Park begging for "change" (like loose coins). This problem soon grows to epic proportions.

11. Fishsticks (Season 13)

Jimmy (with the "help" of Cartman) invents the greatest joke in the history of the world, which everyone loves except for Kanye West, who becomes very angry and eventually even questions his own identity because he doesn't understand it. Also rips on Carlos Mencia and features a hilarious song.

12. All About Mormons? (Season 7)

When Stan meets a new Mormon family that has just moved into town, he learns all about the history and roots of Mormonism.

13. The Red Badge of Gayness (Season 3)

Cartman makes a bet with the other boys that this year he can get the South to win in the yearly South Park civil war reenactment.

14. Fat Camp (Season 4)

Because he is overweight, Cartman is sent to fat camp, while the boys learn that Kenny will do anything for money. Also contains "The Prostitute Song" by Chef (featuring James Taylor), which is my favorite Chef song of all time.

15. 4th Grade (Season 4)

The boys and their classmates, which have all now gone on to fourth grade, wish they could go back to third grade, while their new teacher tries to figure out how to control and communicate to them. Features the song "Third Grade" by Eric Cartmen.



Honorable Mentions:

-Gnomes (Season 2)

Step 1: Steal Underpants.
Step 2: ?
Step 3: Profit.

-Rainforest Schmainforest (Season 3)

An episode featuring the voice of Jennifer Aniston as a class teacher that makes fun of empty-hearted activism just for the sake of being seen as an "activist."

-Cartmanland (Season 5)

After inheriting a huge amount of money, Cartman buys his own amusement park that only he is allowed to go to.

-The New Terrance and Phillip Trailer (Season 6)

This episode gets an honorable mention because of the Russel Crowe show "Fightin' Round the World."

-Douche & Turd (Season 9)

Stan tries to abstain from voting for the new school mascot, but P. Diddy and his "Vote or Die" campaign have other ideas.


Almost every episode of South Park is a good episode, but these are the best of the best (to me). I would love to hear your opinions on my list, as I'm sure some people will disagree with me about what I did or did not include. I welcome any comments/feedback, and would love to see what your favorite episodes of South Park are. Thanks!

Review: Heavy Rain (PS3)

Heavy Rain is a PS3 exclusive that differs from most current video games in that it is better described as an interactive movie or drama than a traditional video game. The game focuses heavily on characters and story, and there is no "game over" like traditional games.

Quick Facts:

Platform: PS3
Genre: Interactive drama
Developer: Quantic Dream
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment
Release Date (NA): February 23, 2010
Rating: M


I have mixed feelings about Heavy Rain, as will be documented in the next few paragraphs. The game came out back in late February, but I just finally got a chance to play through it now. Overall, I was actually a little disappointed with the game. I've followed the game a lot since well before it was released, so I pretty much knew what I was getting into. So with that in mind, I wouldn't say it was a bad game, but it definitely didn't exceed my expectations from what I had seen like I was hoping it would. The majority of the media reviews were pretty positive, but I would say I'm somewhere more neutral on my feelings towards this game.

On the plus side, the graphics in the cutscenes were amazing, and the story was decent, but I still didn't feel that it was captivating enough for a game that is almost completely based on story and not gameplay. As for the actual non-cutscene gameplay (aka walking around between action-packed cutscenes trying to figure out how to trigger the next one), most of it was awkward and could be boring and confusing at times, and the walking around controls were pretty bad.

Also, on a very negative note, the voice acting was some of the worst I've ever heard in a recent game. Many of the main characters are voiced by French (or other European) people trying to fake American accents, and you can really tell how awful it is at some points. This game is almost completely based on its story and characters and all happens in a present-day American city (Philadelphia, to be precise), so to have the characters have terrible fake American accents really ruined the setting and mood of the game (which is supposed to be very dark). They sound ridiculous. This game is basically an interactive movie, so imagine a movie trying to be serious where most of the cast are French but are pretending to be American and doing really bad accents. Yeah, it would pretty much destroy many of the scenes that are supposed to be serious, and it did the exact same thing in this game.

The story itself wasn't bad. Your actions can determine what happens in the game, and there are many different endings that can be seen depending on what happens in your unique playthrough. Overall though, I have a feeling many of the people got similar endings. Unless you were trying to get your characters killed off on purpose, most of the parts were pretty simple in keeping your person alive and advancing the story in the best possible direction (where everyone survives at the end). The story itself (which I wont mention in detail here) was pretty good for a video game, but like I said before, for a video game that bases itself almost completely on story, it still wasn't amazing. I guess a good way to put it is that even though I liked the story in Heavy Rain, I've played other games with better stories and characters that also had good gameplay to go along with it, which Heavy Rain (for the most part) did not. That basically summarizes my overall feelings towards the majority of the game.

Also, the game isn't very long (it took me around 8-9 hours to beat), so keep that in mind when you see the price tag. A lot of people online say it has great re-playability because you can try to see all the different endings and decisions, but honestly, once I had beaten it I had very little desire to go through it again anytime soon (and I did enjoy it the first time around). I guess that will vary by person though.

With that in mind, there are some good things about the game, and you have to give Quantic Dream and Sony props for trying something new and different in a market that is definitely over-crowded with genres like shooters or RPGs. That is certainly a redeeming quality for Heavy Rain: even though it's only a decent game on its own, it was refreshing to play something different for a change. That's probably the best thing Heavy Rain has going for it.

In Summary:

Pros: decent story, great cutscene graphics, something different than most games

Cons: horrible voice acting, bad non-cutscene gameplay, fairly short game to pay full retail price for


Heavy Rain is best described as an interactive drama that is both innovative and different, but Quantic Dream has a lot of work to do before they perfect the formula that started they with this game (and somewhat with Indigo Prophecy).


Final Score: 3 out of 5

What I'm Playing (5/17/10)

Battlefield: Bad Company 2, Left 4 Dead 2, Halo: Reach Beta, Super Paper Mario.

What I'm Playing (5/9/10)

Battlefield: Bad Company 2, Halo: Reach Beta, Heavy Rain, and Warcraft III (mostly Dota).

What I'm Playing (4/26/10)

Left 4 Dead 2, Super Mario Galaxy, Monster Hunter Tri, Battlefield: Bad Company 2, Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne.